Oh the random thought

I am not the only one.

In a way, I am grateful for Christmas – It’s the one time of year that I can actually focus on something, and hate it the death. No, not Christmas. Shopping.

It turns out, that for the last four or five years, I’ve been sharing the exact same feelings at the exact same time of year. Perhaps it’s my own fault. Perhaps it’s because, instead of going with my initial thoughts of “preparation” and buying months in advance; I try to squeeze a shitload of gifts for a shitload of people into one day. In the city. Amongst how many people? A million per square block? Well, it definitely feels that’s how many people there are.

Everyone’s disorganization, along with my own, creates my love – which is actually hate. Maybe I’m looking forward to it every single year by subconsciously not buying presents in an organized state, months in advance and just going ahead and trying to do it in one day, a day from Christmas.

So now that the pain of shopping is all over, I now get to sit here at home – sipping on, nothing other than a glass of water and just let it set in. No, no longer the hate. Regret? .. No, not regret, but maybe, guilt? Maybe it’s because now, I look at my bank balance and say “Oh my god.”
Guilt is a funny thing, because I don’t use it in the appropriate way, I guess. I don’t feel guilty when I accidentally cut someone off when driving or if I cut in on an old lady – by accident, of course – when in the self serve isle at the supermarket – I don’t even usually indulge in the feeling when blowing cash at the bar or dining out – but when it’s for gifts for my loved ones.. there it is. What the hell?
Maybe I’m just nervous that everything I rushed in to buy in that one day, the receptive will just hate. Does that fit into somewhat of an ironic category? Maybe. But then, maybe it just puts us both into a place that everyone experiences whether you like it or not.
No matter what it is, Christmas, Birthdays, Easter – what have you – where ever you exchange gifts – there’s going to be some sort of discomfort from either end. The whole “I hope they like it” thoughts and on the unwrapping end; “I hope I like it!”
I think what I’m thinking of here, when talking about “in the same category”, is when you know when someone’s lying that they like the gift. You start feeling guilty that you haven’t got them something they’d like and they’re lying to you, feeling guilty that they’re lying to you, but also lying about liking the gift! – There’s no honesty here. It’s out there somewhere, floating in the water.

Maybe Christmas isn’t such a magical time for a lot of people, maybe it’s just a whole bunch of anxiety ridden people trying to impress others – and their only wish, is for it all to be over as soon as possible?
I’d like to think that this isn’t me and that everything above is just the post-shopping blues, but I think a lot of this is exactly how I feel. It is great seeing the family, though. I just wish I was more organized in the shopping department, but then again – being organized doesn’t stop the natural thoughts towards shopping that I usually have.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you have a wonderful time and an extremely great new year.

Thanks for reading,
Ry.

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